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KUNATI BOOK PUBLISHERS
Infinity Publishing
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The Peaceful Warrior:Memoirs of a Damaged Mind and Soul |
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Being desperate again, I would only seek refuge from the bottle. Then, it would start all over again. I don't want to fail anymore, but it seems inevitable that I will. The illness has to be controlled for me to be successful. I cannot withstand the power of illness on my own. It might require that I be put in hospital for a short time to prevent relapse, but if that will work, it would be worth it. I Other than that, I have no other choice than to choose my dark place for refuge. My sanity is at stake. If it means rotting out my liver, so be it. Every day that I am alive is a blessing. I could only live one day at a time. If I have to erase those memories of those days, I will. This is done with the aid of alcohol and the darkness. Weeks, months, and years will quickly slip by me until God takes me to a better place. My sanity is very important to me, and I will do everything in my power to keep it at whatever the cost. Losing control of my actions is the scariest thing I have ever had to face. At least drinking to a stupor will lessen the chances of losing control of my mind. In a way, I still lose control, but I am peaceful. I just hop in a cab, go home, and pass out till morning. When I lose control of my mind that is when trouble starts. Sometimes, not even the booze will stop it if I don't catch it in time. Timing is very important. Alcohol is used as a preventive measure, not a cure, it can't help me while I am already in the grips of illness, and booze just fuels it. If I am in psychosis, the alcohol will magnify the effect of the illness turning me into a dangerous and unpredictable man. Fortunately, I have medication to prevent that from happening. Now, all I have to deal with is the emotional and bipolar affects of illness. This is easier to control. Alcohol does numb these effects. It is a depressant itself and, in fact, it makes things worse, but you don't feel it. You are safe and content away from harm. I
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